Ben the Miracle Worker

A look of calm friendliness and grave responsibility sat on his face whenever I saw him. Sometimes, when I was bored, I tried to picture him screaming under a blanket, but somehow it never seems right. Anger was beneath him. Ben The Miracle Worker was a good man.

That same unchanging look was on his face today, too, as he made his way up my garden path (if you'll excuse the homo-erotic euphemism) in the sensual midday rain. I of course offered him a cup of hot stuff as he considerately hung up his soaked coat so as it would leave the least mess on my floor, and he of course refused, being unable to allow people to go to any trouble at his expense. By now, however, I knew what to do in this situation.
"You can make it yourself, if you'd prefer," I told him smugly.
"No," he replied. "It's all right."
I smiled carefully.
"I'd be offended if you didn't have one."

He looked down at his steaming brown uncertainly, as if he didn't quite know what to do with it, and asked me why it was that I had called him to my house.
"Firstly," I began, "I would like a yacht."
"A yacht?"
"Yes. I feel in dire need of one. I may even kill myself if I don't get one."
"Oh," said Ben. "And secondly?"
"Secondly, I'd like you to get rid of my neighbour."
"Your neighbour? But why?"
"He's making my life hell. I don't think I can live another day with him beside my property."
"But I can't just..."
"I'll let you deal with it as you see fit," I interrupted forcefully.
"But..." he protested pathetically.
"Or maybe I'll just go for a swim in my heavy shoes."

After a few moments, my neighbour answered his door.
"Hello," he said upon seeing us.
"Hello," said Ben. I remained silent. "Um," began Ben after a nervous pause, "how would you like to live in an enormous mansion?" This offer was so pathetic that I couldn't imagine anyone believing him.
"I'm sorry?" said my neighbour incredulously.
"I have the power to grant your wildest dreams," continued Ben.
"You what?"
Ben sighed and made a bouquet of flowers appear in mid air.
"Jesus!" exclaimed my neighbour.
"You can live anywhere in the world," said Ben.
"I don't want live anywhere in the world, I want to live here. Now piss off!" the door slammed in our faces — particularly Ben's.
"Oh well," I said. "I guess I'll have to go for that cliff-side walk." I picked up the flowers and smelt them gaily for extra effect, but he was already crying and too wrapped up in his own world to notice me.